Sorry for keeping you waiting. It’s taking me a while to revise the big kickoff post, but I expect to be done soon. To tide you over, here is a post distilling the essence of the political speech. Granted, some candidates actually believe in the ideologies they preach, so to reflect their speeches you can remove any admission of duplicity in this template. It is likely that the appeal of said ideologies is still based on the reasoning below, though.
If we want to have more candidates who don’t talk in the manner demonstrated here, we need to resist the wish-fulfillment that the predominant breed of politician promises us. When the easy paradise that they push isn’t outright impossible, it almost invariably has a great cost that is foisted onto other people, possibly hidden far off into the future where few can predict it nor later determine its origin.
Without further ado, here is the quintessential political speech.
It’s great to be here, in the great location of wherever we are. It’s great because you’re here, and you want to feel like you’re great, even though you never try to surpass yourself. That’s why I’m here! I’m here to promise you that I will validate your complacency! I’m going to do whatever it takes to make sure that you never have to find out you’re wrong, that you never have to develop new skills or change your lifestyle, and that your world will never get less pleasant, and I’ll scapegoat anyone who stands in the way!
Vote for me, because I am all things to all the people whose particular brand of complacency I enable. I will ensure that your current, meager level of maturity will last you the rest of your lives, by inundating the rest of society with laws and propaganda until it accommodates your weakness. You are special, so you deserve it. The scapegoats are not special, and while we’re making all these laws, we don’t care about what they want or how they feel, because it would most likely conflict with having your goals and feelings catered to.
Remember, we’re us. They’re them. Your comfort is more important than their rights. Don’t pay them any respect; rather, pay them contempt, to make it easier to forget the possibility that they may be right, or at least that you may be wrong. Don’t forget, wrong people will never be right, so they deserve no kindness, and therefore you should be afraid of being judged wrong. Don’t try to understand the wrong people. Just use them and any work they do, white collar or blue, to fill in the cracks of your idyllic world, like so much spackle.
Together, we will fabricate a world in which you are the righteous heroes who always win, even though you don’t sacrifice or risk anything from the pleasant lives you know, which is what sets real heroes apart from regular people. And we couldn’t find any volunteers to play villains, so we conscripted people who think they’re the heroes in their own world, just like you. But you should believe that their wrongness is so obvious that they must know they are wrong and are acting purely out of selfishness. That way you don’t question whether they really are wrong, because that means questioning whether we’re right, which will destroy my career and be very unpleasant for you.
Now, meanwhile, I’ll take some money from some big corporations and special interest groups, who are complacent just like you, to make laws that will support their complacency at your expense. I’m still fighting for you, though, because while I do want their money, I quite need your votes. My opponent, however, takes money from corporations without pursuing your votes, which is bad. My opponent and their followers are evil because they’re busy validating their complacency instead of yours, and they are scapegoating you. They are disrespecting you, and ignoring not just your valid concerns, but your complacency as well! Vote for me so that you win and scapegoat them, instead.
Remember, no one else will validate your complacency, and if they say they will, they’re probably horrible people. Be afraid to vote for anyone else! And above all, don’t become independent, proactive, or willing to take responsibility for your own lives and happiness. If you do, then you won’t settle for the illusion of change and/or security I’m working so hard to give you, you won’t overlook my crimes and gaping character flaws, and you’ll demand that I actually accomplish positive goals, which is a lot more difficult to do successfully, since reality can’t be convinced that I never made a mistake. It’s much easier for all of us to fight a forever war against your fellow citizens along divisions brought on by poor communication skills, insecurity, and a lack of respect and understanding.
Now, I’m not saying you don’t have some valid concerns, but if you didn’t have any priorities based on ignorance or on vices like cowardice, you wouldn’t have invited me here to tell you all this in person, because you would have no reason to convince yourself I’m not lying to you. So remember to check all the boxes for the Democrepublibertariagreen party! For a brighter future than the country has ever known, just like the good old days!